Back To December
by itsallwhiteandgold
Summary: "Maybe…maybe this is wishful thinking, but if we loved again, I swear I would love you right." What happens when Santana bumps into Brittany after months of them not seeing each other?


"BACK TO DECEMBER"

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee whatsoever, even though I friggin' wish I did.

Okay, I did this because I drew this couple out of my cap along with two other couples. You can check my profile for the reason. :D

[Brittana, set months after the Duets episode]

**XXX**

Santana had been walking to the mall's parking lot when she bumped into Brittany.

It had been months since she'd spoken to Brittany. Months since that argument they had, which tore them apart, piece by piece, until they could no longer stand each other. They couldn't even start a normal conversation without ending up with them screaming at each other.

Brittany had been the one to break it up. She made it quick and straight-forward. And Santana knew she had every reason in the world to do so, but that didn't make her feel any better. It didn't make either of them feel any better.

And now as Brittany stood before her, she felt like the weight of the sky had been placed on her shoulders, crushing her under its immense weight. They'd merely bumped into each other, but that did not ease the pain that was in her chest. Nothing ever did, anyway.

"Brittany! Hey!" Santana said with forced cheerfulness. In truth, she wanted to hide and cry, or maybe do something reckless just to end all her pain. Just the sight of the blond made her heart ache even more. Why couldn't God just take her away already and stop the damn pain? "It's been a while, huh?"

Brittany nodded awkwardly. She felt very uncomfortable talking to her…her…well, she didn't know if she could really call Santana her ex-, because they weren't technically together. Or at least not to Santana. It was just like a phase, or a one-time thing to her. She had misled Brittany into thinking they could actually be something more than just best friends, but…no. She was wrong. "Um, yeah," She replied cautiously, "It has been, huh?"

Santana felt the strong urge to touch Brittany's face or ruffle her hair, the way she always used to when Brittany got nervous, like she always did before…before they fell apart. Before she had screwed up big time. Brittany's guard was up, and she knew why. She knew Brit didn't want Santana back in her life again just to screw her up again. To ease the tension, Santana asked, "So, what brings you here?" It was kind of dumb asking her that, especially since it was pretty clear Brittany had been to the mall to buy stuff. But all she wanted was more time with the blond, even if it was awkward with her.

Brittany shrugged her shoulders. "Just out shopping for stuff my mom forced me to buy her," She replied then snorted. "That woman never seems to have the heart to do things on her own! It's always 'Brittany this' and 'Brittany that'. Gee-frickin'-whiz. It'd be a Christmas miracle if she actually got off her butt and did something productive on her own."

Santana smiled. This was the Brittany she had known-_her_ Brittany. Her Brittany was the girl who was sarcastic, funny, sweet and charming. Her Brittany was the girl she knew before she had broken her heart into a million pieces and made a complete mess out of. But almost immediately, she lost her Brittany. Brittany realized she had said too much, and let her guard back up. Santana's heart sank.

Brittany cleared her throat. "So, um, how are you? How's your family, and what about school?" She asked. She made sure not to get too comfortable around the Latina, the way she had accidentally done earlier. She made sure to not let that happen again.

"I'm fine I guess," Santana replied. "My family's okay, everyone's still busy and whatnot." It was weird, but true: In the months that passed, the two girls had managed to avoid one another to the point that they no longer saw each other. And Santana knew that Brittany had gotten her class schedule changed so that she was never in any class with Santana. She had even quit the cheer leading squad. A week later, she quit the glee club. Nobody else knew why, but Santana knew her reasons only too well.

Then she remembered that Artie and Brittany were still together. She didn't want to think ill of Brittany and Artie, but she was hoping that they'd break up. Artie was nice and all that (but she would never be caught dead admitting that), but Santana still felt like Brittany was hers, not his.

"How are you and Artie?" Santana asked through gritted teeth. She tried to be happy for Brit, really, but it was so hard not to get annoyed that Brittany had moved on from Santana to Artie! "You two still going strong?"

Brittany looked at Santana carefully. She didn't want to bring up Artie now, since talking about him would hurt Santana. She'd never admit it, but there was still a huge part of her that loved Santana with the whole of its existence, and sometimes she'd have to control that part of her from taking over. And that was proving difficult right now, when she was facing Santana. "We're…good."

Santana nodded. She looked up at Brittany. The blond was still a lot taller than her, and for some reason she looked a lot taller than she remembered. "You've grown taller," Santana said quietly.

Brittany arched a brow. "Really?" She asked. "Last I checked, I was still five-foot-eight."

Santana didn't know what came to her, but without much thought, she blurted out, "I guess not being able to see you often is taking its toll on me."

An awkward silence hung in the air between them. This was the moment Santana and Brittany had been dreading-the moment they'd end up having to talk about all the fights, the tears and the heartache.

"Santana…" Brittany started.

Santana shook her head as two rivers of sad tears ran down her face. Morosely, she looked at the blond, and said in a strangled voice, "I've…I've missed you. It's been absolute torture not seeing you. But…seeing you here in front of me now…well, that's proving to be even more painful."

Brittany ducked her head. She hoped Santana wouldn't see the tears in her own eyes. She didn't want to look weak and vulnerable in front of Santana, especially right now. She felt her guard crumbling. It was unfair! Santana had been the one to do wrong and yet she got to play sad and hurt. And it only sucked even more that Brittany actually yearned to comfort her and wipe away the tears on the Latina's face. "Don't," Brittany croaked out, "Just…stop, Santana."

Santana shook her head. She gently cupped the blond's face in her shaking hands, and made Brittany look her in the eyes; Brittany's piercing blue ones staring into Santana's dark and sorrowful ones. "No," She said, the worlds crawling sluggishly out of her throat. "I'm sorry," She sobbed. "I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry I never loved you the way you loved me. I'm sorry I didn't love you right." Every word she had said felt like a stab to the heart, but she had to get them out.

"Stop it," Brittany said more firmly.

"No. Listen to me. Please."

When Brittany looked at Santana's tear-stained face, she faltered. She was still mad at her, but she couldn't stand to see her so sad. "Okay. I'll listen," She mumbled.

Santana smiled her thanks sadly. "Brittany, I…I wish I realized what I had when you were mine much sooner. I wish I hadn't let go of you the way I did. It was too late when I realized how much you meant to me." She took a quick breath to calm herself down and to prevent herself from breaking down completely. "You _hated_ me, and more than anything I _loved_ you. I wish I hadn't treated you like crap when you were mine. I was naïve, foolish. You gave me all your heart and all I gave you was heartache and pain, and I'm sorry. I really am."

"I don't hate you," Brittany said quietly. She spotted a loose strand of the Latina's brunette hair and tucked it behind Santana's ear. She always used to do that before. It made her feel sick just remembering what they did together.

"Honestly," Brittany said in a pained voice, "Freedom only meant missing you, San." _San_-she always used to call Santana that when they were still…okay. "There wasn't ever a day when I never thought about you. I'd feel guilty about it sometimes, especially when I thought about Artie. But…it's inevitable."

Santana choked back a sob. "I've never given up on you, B. I swore I never would. _You_ promised the same thing."

Brittany locked eyes with Santana. She remembered that promise only too well. It had been a rainy September night, and Santana had made up her mind on leaving Lima, Ohio for good. She couldn't stand it anymore; her parents were falling apart, and they took their anger out on her. They never cared about her! She would have left if it hadn't been for Brittany.

"_Stay," Brittany had said. She was soaking wet, she was cold, but none of that mattered right now. "Don't go. Please."_

"_Give me a reason to," Santana retorted. Her voice was hoarse, like she'd been screaming at someone for so long it used up all of her voice. She probably had done that._

"_Stay-for me. Not for your parents, not for anyone, just me. Please Santana. I need you as much as you need me. And…even if the world gives up on you, even if you feel like a complete failure, _I_ won't give up on you. I won't stop loving you the way everyone else had, Santana. I promise."_

And she'd broken that promise. She had given up on Santana.

"You know I'm sorry about that, Santana," Brittany replied hoarsely. The part of her that loved Santana was getting harder and harder to hold down; it wanted to take over and make Brittany act irrationally. It hurt her to think about breaking her promise to Santana. She'd sworn to never give up on her. But she'd broken that promise, and she knew how bad it hurt Santana. It had scarred her for life.

Santana nodded. She placed a hand gently on the blond's cheek as she said, "Maybe…maybe this is wishful thinking, but if we loved again, I swear I would love you right."

Brittany's lips curled in a poignant smile. "There isn't going to be a 'next-time' for us, San."

Santana smiled back in the same manner. "I know, B." She brought her lips up to Brittany's cheek in a kiss, and took Brittany's hands in her own. With a squeeze of Brittany's hands, she whispered, "Goodbye, Brittany."

Brittany returned the squeeze. "Good-bye, Santana," She whispered back, her heart crawling up to her throat. Hesitantly, she let go of Santana's hands and walked away.

As Santana watched Brittany walk away, a smile inched on her lips. Maybe there wasn't a chance they'd ever love again. Maybe there was no chance they'd ever be together again. But at the same time, maybe-just maybe-they still had a chance to be friends again.

Maybe she hadn't lost Brittany entirely after all.

**XXX**

Well, after this I'll write either my Quam (Sam/Quinn) or Puckleberry one.


End file.
